I would say that we had a pretty smooth day today, as
evidenced by the following annotations found on your schoolwork from this
morning…
No. No, it was not a smooth day. It was a long, rough day.
It was a day that you did not like me at all.
On the day that you did not like me at all, I saw you. I saw
the epic struggle of the ages settled into your eight year old eyes, the
dissonance between what you want life to be and what life is. I saw your
frustration with your own limitations underneath your protests. I saw how
unfair it all felt to you, and I know. I know because I was born with the same loathing
of anything that feels unfair. The difference is that I’ve had 35 years to
learn that my definition of “fair” isn’t always accurate. You don’t have that
advantage yet, and you are still at the front of a long road to attain it.
On the day that you did not like me at all, I prayed for
you. I prayed at every tense moment and in between. I prayed for your heart and
for my sanity and for wisdom and patience and understanding. I prayed that you
would find rest from this struggle in Christ. That you would grow in grace and
knowledge and truth. That you would see foolishness for what it is. That you
would remember and believe that you are fully loved.
On the day that you did not like me at all, I needed Jesus
as much as you did. This parenting journey has brought me to the end of myself
more than anything in my life. It has brought me face to face with my own
weakness and fear and insecurities and selfishness. I’ll let you in on a secret
that’s not really a secret at all – I don’t really know what to do 80% of the
time. But what I do know is that the Lord of Hosts is with us, and the God of
Jacob is our stronghold. I know that He is perfect in all of His ways and that
He turns ashes to beauty and that He is the very definition of love. I know
that He is our Shepherd and Counselor and King. I know that He redeems us from
the pit and that His faithfulness is great and His mercies are new every
morning.
On the day that you did not like me at all, I loved you. I
loved you imperfectly, yes, but fiercely nonetheless. I loved you, not because of what you do,
but because you are mine. I am not disappointed in you at this end of this day;
I am for you, and you bring immeasurable joy to my heart.
Tomorrow is a new day with new mercies. No matter what it
holds, I am most privileged to be your mom, and to lean into this journey of
grace and redemption alongside of you.
I love you today, and
I love you tomorrow; I love you as deep as the sea…I love you in joy, and I
love you in sorrow; you can always come home to me…
