Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Mean Mommy

I was mean mommy today.

My allergies decided they have been on vacation too long so, hello, they’re back. My babe decided to bust her lip on the dining room floor. And spill an unidentified black substance on my closet floor. And eat playdough. My big girl asked 1400 questions instead of her usual 800 today. And argued with every single thing I said.

I was tired. And frustrated. And sneezy.

And…Fail. Short words, irrational expectations of a three and one year old, “I’ve had it” attitude. The mommy threw the tantrums today.
I just wanted to get to bedtime. No, to get past bedtime.

And so I walked into her room, after a failed attempt to get her to sleep by driving 20 extra minutes on the way home from church, my feet dragging, hopeless, wishing for once in her life she would actually be ready to just lay her head down and go to sleep.

“Mama, guess what I am gonna say.”

Another demand, I am sure. “Oh, probably that you’re ready for me to sing a song.” As if it were a punishment, not an incredible blessing, to sing truth over my daughter at night.

“Okay but what else?”

Impatient sigh. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

She leaned her head into mine and whispered, “I love you, Mama.”

Stop. I didn’t deserve that. I was mean mommy today. I melted into her and whispered, broken, “I love you too.”

Oh but it didn’t stop there.

She rubbed her sweet hands on my back. “Is that pretty, Mama?”

Yes, baby. It’s beautiful.

She said, “I love you every day, Mama.”

Every day? Really?

“I love you very much and very much and very much and very much and very much…”

Showers. Showers of love.

“Why? Why do you love me so much?”

She cocked her head in a what-a-silly-question kind of way. “Because you’re my mama.”

I heard my Savior through the lips of my three year old tonight. At the end of my rope, self-condemned, and knowing that those who are in the flesh cannot please the Lord, I had forgotten the next line…

However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you.

And the first line…

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And my Creator, through the lips of His created, whispered to my soul…

I love you.

I am undone.

I love you every day.

Oh God. Even on my mean days? Even when I am ashamed to stand before You?

I love you more than you can comprehend.

It’s so lavish, this love. It’s all around me. I don’t deserve it…

I love you…

Why, God? Why do You love me so much?

Because I made you.

Because my Son took your shame. 

Because you have embraced my Son. 

Because you are mine.