The Day That You Did Not Like Me at All

I would say that we had a pretty smooth day today, as evidenced by the following annotations found on your schoolwork from this morning…

No. No, it was not a smooth day. It was a long, rough day. It was a day that you did not like me at all.

On the day that you did not like me at all, I saw you. I saw the epic struggle of the ages settled into your eight year old eyes, the dissonance between what you want life to be and what life is. I saw your frustration with your own limitations underneath your protests. I saw how unfair it all felt to you, and I know. I know because I was born with the same loathing of anything that feels unfair. The difference is that I’ve had 35 years to learn that my definition of “fair” isn’t always accurate. You don’t have that advantage yet, and you are still at the front of a long road to attain it.

On the day that you did not like me at all, I prayed for you. I prayed at every tense moment and in between. I prayed for your heart and for my sanity and for wisdom and patience and understanding. I prayed that you would find rest from this struggle in Christ. That you would grow in grace and knowledge and truth. That you would see foolishness for what it is. That you would remember and believe that you are fully loved.

On the day that you did not like me at all, I needed Jesus as much as you did. This parenting journey has brought me to the end of myself more than anything in my life. It has brought me face to face with my own weakness and fear and insecurities and selfishness. I’ll let you in on a secret that’s not really a secret at all – I don’t really know what to do 80% of the time. But what I do know is that the Lord of Hosts is with us, and the God of Jacob is our stronghold. I know that He is perfect in all of His ways and that He turns ashes to beauty and that He is the very definition of love. I know that He is our Shepherd and Counselor and King. I know that He redeems us from the pit and that His faithfulness is great and His mercies are new every morning.

On the day that you did not like me at all, I loved you. I loved you imperfectly, yes, but fiercely nonetheless. I loved you, not because of what you do, but because you are mine. I am not disappointed in you at this end of this day; I am for you, and you bring immeasurable joy to my heart.

Tomorrow is a new day with new mercies. No matter what it holds, I am most privileged to be your mom, and to lean into this journey of grace and redemption alongside of you.

I love you today, and I love you tomorrow; I love you as deep as the sea…I love you in joy, and I love you in sorrow; you can always come home to me…