Averi Kate

The days of having you all to myself are coming to a close. Soon you will be here…maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few weeks. But very soon I will have to share you with the world.

I love having you safe in my womb. I know that there you will be as unaffected by the world and by outside dangers as possible. I love being the only person who always knows when you are awake and when you are asleep and when you have the hiccups. I love the thought of how God is forming every little part of you in a secret place, and when the time is right we will get to see what He has been working on for the past nine months.

I love wondering about you. What will you look like? Will you be sleepy or alert? Calm or feisty? Will you love to move and be active, or prefer to sit and contemplate? Will you be a good eater? Will you be cuddly or independent?

In so many ways I am ready to meet you, ready for you to make your appearance in the world. I am thrilled to watch my first baby become a big sister, and I can’t wait to see your Daddy’s face as he falls in love with you the first time he lays his eyes on you. I am ready to hold you in my arms and not just my tummy. I am ready to watch your face when I talk to you and sing to you and pray for you. I’m ready to make you smile. And yes, I’ll be honest, I am ready to shed the 20+ pounds that you have graced me with.

In other ways I am anxious. Once you are born I can’t protect you as well as I can right now. Will I be able to give you everything you need? Will I be a good mommy to two little girls? Will I make the right decisions for you?

In everything I am thankful. So incredibly humbled that God would make me your mommy. So incredibly blessed to have you in my life. I am thankful for God’s perfect timing. He formed you from conception, He knows your birthday, and He will release you to come out when the time is right.

If there is one thing I want you to know more than anything, my sweet second Little, it is that you will not be perfect, but the perfect One loves you more than you can know. You will fail, but the One who never fails has taken care of that for you. You will fall short of the glory of God, but the very Glory of God Himself already paid the price for your sins. If there is one thing I want you to do, Little, it is to trust in Him. Some trust in chariots and some on horses, but we will trust in the name of the Lord our God. If there is one thing that I want to define your life, it is that you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Then love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.

Your Creator is also your Savior. If you and your sweet sister can come to understand and believe and love that truth, nothing would make your mommy and daddy happier.

I love you and I can’t wait to meet you.

Split Queen

It’s not that I’m inflexible. Well, technically I am, although I was once crowned “split queen” in my 4^th grade gymnastics class because I successfully completed a split three ways. It’s true. My crown was made of sparkly gold pipe cleaners and I have three pictures to prove it. But those days are long gone. But that’s not the kind of flexibility I’m talking about, anyway. What I mean is, I can go with the flow (to some degree). I am getting better and better at having my days interrupted.

But.

This morning, when the Coach came running in, saying, “Something’s wrong with the car. I have to take the truck to work. I’m sorry…” and then ran back out the door and was gone with my only mode of transportation…well, I wasn’t feeling very flexible.

I had big plans for today. Little and I were going to go to the grocery store. We were possibly going to pick out a gift for Little to give to her baby sister who will be here sometime in the next 4 ½ weeks oh my word. But most importantly of all, we were going to go walking with some other moms and babies at the park.

I know, it sounds pitiful to get bent out of shape over such grand plans. But my heart wasn’t going with the flow. My heart was arguing with God.

I have been so excited about meeting these moms. I need friends. I am so lonely. Don’t You know I am LONELY???

That’s why, when the Coach called on his way to work, I was already in tears. “I guess God just doesn’t want me to have any friends,” I muttered to my poor husband.

Really, Jana? God doesn’t want you to have friends, so He broke your car. How mature of you.

So after breakfast, I told Little that we were going to have quiet time for just a few minutes. As she colored a masterpiece with a blue marker, I opened my Bible. I promise I was planning to read where I left off last time and not just flip around until I found something “relevant,” but when the book fell open the first thing my eyes landed on was Proverbs 16:1: “The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.”

See, my heart’s attitude was not reacting to the disruption of my plans for the day. No, it goes deeper than that. My heart had lots of plans that are falling through right now.

We moved to this town in October. That’s four months ago. And this is what my heart was planning when we moved…

Oh, I know God has friends for me there that I can connect with quickly…We will surely find a church home before the new year...Little will have tons of opportunities to have playdates and such…We will spend the weekends as a family doing active things like we always have (hiking, biking, etc.)…I will start teaching piano lessons and fitness classes right off the bat…It will feel like home because home is where you make it…

And here is “the answer of the tongue” from the Lord…

I officially have 2 people’s numbers in my cell phone that I have met since we moved. That’s it. And I don’t actually dial them, I just have them. Everyone has their own lives and their own friends and schedules and kids, and I’m not finding a place anywhere for myself…February starts in 2 days and we don’t yet have a church home…Little has yet to experience a playdate since we moved…The Coach has been sick or injured pretty much the whole time we have lived here. Maybe the 2 weekends that he felt ok, it rained…I have one piano student and the YMCA doesn’t need any fitness instructors…It doesn’t feel like home.

You want to know the truth? I worship my plans. I already knew this. Six years ago I found out what an idolater I am when my plans for seminary in New Orleans were washed away by Katrina. I fell apart. My house had been built on the sand instead of the rock, on my plans for God’s glory rather than His plans for His glory. And here I am again. Falling apart because my plans for my family and life and ministry are not the same as His.

I get so prideful, thinking that I know best. God will be glorified in me the most if A, B, and C happen. And when they don’t…well, I cry and say stupid things like, “I guess God doesn’t want me to have any friends.”

Get a grip, Jana. God will be glorified in you the most if you abide in Him. Take delight in Him. Obey Him. Love Him. Know Him. Seek Him. Trust Him.

See, the plans of my heart belong to me. But until I lay them on the altar of humility and say, “Here are my plans, Lord. Now what do You want to do?” then they are not only the plans of my heart, but also the idols of my heart.

So, it appears I am at a crossroads. Am I willing to let go of my plans and just sit at the feet of my Maker? Am I ready to be a student, a follower, a disciple, and not try to direct my own path? Am I going to listen and learn and “go with the flow”?

I am. I am not going to fight this and question why things are not going according to my plans. I am going to accept the answer of the Lord. I am going to be flexible. I am going to be a split queen.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.

My Little Theologian

“Where’d God go?”

This question, voiced from the mouth of my 2-year-old apparent theologian, stopped me in my tracks. Well, not literally, because at 7 ½ months pregnant I neither stop nor go very quickly. But really, it was not what I expected to hear from the chatty toddler sitting in the jogging stroller, munching on her carrots.

I know that kids say the darndest things and all that jazz, but I didn’t think the deep theological questions would start this early. But lately, a significant portion of my conversations with Little have centered around where God is and how she really wants to see Him.

And the thing is, in the middle of these conversations, I find myself immensely convicted. Because if there is one thing that Little can’t quit talking about, it is this…

“Mommy, where’s Jesus?”

“In heaven.”

“No, in the sky.”

“Ok, well, heaven is sort of in the sky.”

“Building a house?”

“Yes, He is building a house.”

“Jesus build a house for me! And mommy and daddy and me!”

That’s right, my 2-year-old can’t quit talking about eschatology. She is ecstatic that Jesus is “in the sky” right now building a house for her and that one day He is going to come and get her (and mommy and daddy) and take us to live with Him. We can’t even get through her 2 minute Bible story at night without her interrupting every time Jesus’ name is mentioned so that she can remind us that He is at that very moment building a house for us.

And that’s where the conviction lies – my toddler is thinking more biblically than I am. Every book in the New Testament is bound by a thread of hope and expectation in our future glory with Christ. Paul can’t quit saying “Maranatha”, or “Come, Lord Jesus!” John ended his Revelation with “Come quickly Lord!” The early church was filled with anticipation over what Jesus promised in John 14 – that “I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto Myself, so that where I am, there you may be also!” Maybe today, maybe tomorrow – will Jesus come tonight? Will we be in eternity with Him this time next week? In the house that He is building for us?

But I find that hopeful expectation lacking in my own life. Instead of having that eternal perspective, I get bogged down in the drudgery of everyday life, in the meager expectations that don’t even come close to matching what God has in store for those who love Him. How thankful I am that God is teaching me through my daughter to remember what is real and true and important and lasting. And how I pray that one day I can teach it back to her.

So bring it on, Little. Bring on the deep questions and insights and childlike faith that goes deeper than my grown-up faith. I’m ready to learn.

A New Resolve

It was one of those days.

The Coach knew it as soon as he walked in the door. And as soon as he sat down, I grabbed the opportunity to say, “Would now be a good time for me to run upstairs and take a shower?” and then, without waiting for an answer, ran upstairs as fast as I could, just to be alone with my self-pity.

It wasn’t any one thing that happened, just a thousand little things. Just life. Especially life with a 2 year old, in a new town, without a church family or close friends, five and a half months pregnant…the list could go on and on.

The next morning I woke up with a new resolve…to be a better mom. To be a better wife. To be a better homemaker. To find new ways to save money. And as I sipped my hot tea and contemplated my new determination, I already knew that it wasn’t going to work. Because that determination was not new after all. I’ve had it a hundred times before, and it just never works.

I want to be the woman in Proverbs 31. She does her husband good all the days of her life; she provides for everyone in her household; she makes, invests, and saves money; she gives to the poor and lives a life of ministry; she has a positive outlook on life; she opens her mouth in wisdom; her children rise up and bless her. But the thing is, I can try to achieve that list all day long and I will fail all day long. Why? Because that list is just a record of symptoms.

I usually think of symptoms as indications of something bad, like sickness, but in this case the woman’s symptoms are of something very good. They are symptoms of the fear of the Lord. It’s no accident that Proverbs 31 is placed at the end of a book on wisdom, which starts out by telling us in the very first chapter that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And Proverbs 31 itself ends with the insight that the woman who fears the Lord will be praised.

It’s not about being a better mom or wife or homemaker or financial expert or gourmet cook. It’s not about making a checklist of all the ways I can improve myself. It’s about learning to walk in the fear of the Lord. Because that list of things that I want to be, that I want to accomplish, are symptoms that can’t precede their cause, or else they are worthless. I have tried to do it backward my whole life, starting with the outcomes and hoping that if I accomplish them, they will change my heart. But the best thing I can do for my husband, my kids, my ministry, is to fear the Lord. And the only way to do that is to abide in Him, to spend time with Him, to seek to know Him more and more.

So, the best new resolve for me is not to be better. It is to look to the One who can change me from the inside, to walk humbly with Him, and to trust that He will take care of the outcomes that I so desire to see in my life.

God-Pleasers

Becoming a mom has drastically improved my prayer life.

The other night as I was in bed waiting for sleep to catch up with my ridiculously-tired-yet-unable-to-rest-pregnant-self, I was praying for my kiddos. My prayers for Claire and little peanut #2 went something like this…

“I pray that they will love You with all of their hearts…that they will come to know you at an early age…that they will be pleasing to You…”

And then I stopped. What would it take for my precious kids to be pleasing to God?

For that matter, what would it take for me to be pleasing to God?

There are so many ways that we try to answer that question, consciously or not. And most of them revolve around action…either doing something or not doing something…either effort or sacrifice.

Look at me, I’m teaching a Bible study. I’m serving at VBS. I’m using my talents in the church. Won’t God be proud of me?

Or…I’m leaving all my family and friends to go on the mission field. I’m trading in my desires to spend more time with my kids. I’m giving away my money and possessions to meet needs. God will be so pleased.

But then I think about Claire. I love Claire no matter what and I am most pleased with her when she trusts me. When she runs to me if she is afraid…when she looks to me for affirmation…when she obeys because she knows that I love her and I know what is best for her.

Hebrews 11:6 says, “Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” In all my ways of trying to please God, I am missing out on the simple answer…Trust Him. Have faith. Believe that He is real, that He is love, and that He desires to bless me if I desire to know Him.

If Claire obeys me out of fear, or out of some notion that she can earn my favor, then I really am not pleased at all, because I know that she must not really trust me as her mommy. And it’s a subtle difference, really, because obedience motivated by faith looks very much like obedience prompted by false motives. But that subtle distinction is the difference between life and death, between blessing and curse.

So when I pray for my kids to be pleasing to God, I am praying for them to have great faith. I am praying for them to trust in the Father’s character and goodness. And I am praying for them to lead lives of obedience...and that their obedience would always be motivated by faith.

Thankful

I have lots of things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful that food tastes so good. Especially 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter mixed with brown sugar, all hot and melty after 3 sets of 22 seconds in the microwave, eaten just before bedtime. Every night.

I’m thankful for books. And bookshelves. And office supply stores. Oh, the smell of fresh, unused paper…

I’m thankful for Raid roach-killer spray.

I’m thankful that my eyes work. I do play the piano on occasion with my eyes closed, though, just so I’ll be one step ahead in case I ever lose my vision.

Of all the things I’m thankful for, this one makes my top 10 list easily…

I’m thankful for my dad.

I’m thankful for my dad for a lot of reasons. Like, the fact that the worst word I ever heard growing up was “Fiddle.” Oh, you know it’s bad if that word comes out of his mouth. Or the fact that the one image that crops up over and over again from my childhood is one of running into my mom and dad’s bedroom and seeing my dad, kneeling on the floor with Bible and notebook and books spread out on the bed in front of him.

But most of all, I’m forever thankful because I have never once struggled with the idea of God as my heavenly Father. So many people really have a hard time accepting the image of God as Father, maybe because their dad was abusive, or neglectful, or absent. But I don’t. I have other issues, but understanding the fatherhood of God is not one of them. My dad gave me the best possible human example of this, and largely because of his example in my life, I don’t have any problem seeing my heavenly Father as…

Completely accepting of me

Unconditional in His love

Willing to talk and free with His wisdom

Taking delight in me as His child

Faithful to discipline me to keep me on the path of righteousness

Always having my best interest at heart

And now I have another element of gratitude on my top 10 list: the fact that my daughter will have the same experience as I did. I married a man who I am confident will give my little girl an accurate first picture of God as Father. I'm so glad to know that Claire will not wonder what it means to have a father's unconditional love. Spencer is a man after God's own heart, and Claire will one day realize what a rare and precious gift it is to have a godly daddy. My dad is not perfect, and neither is my husband. But they have this in common: The more they walk with God, the more they look like Him. And I can’t think of a whole lot of things to be more thankful for than that.

Happy Father’s Day.

Stuff My Mom Taught Me

• Grammar matters.
  
  
• Gifts should be personal and well-thought out. Listen carefully all year long to come up with the perfect Christmas gift.
  
  
• Study your kids. Know them. Know their interests, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, habits. Enjoy your kids at every stage.
  
  
• Lock the door. Including the deadbolt. All the time.
  
  
• Life should be narrated through songs. Life is, after all, a musical.
  
  
• Each of your children should have at least one unique and potentially embarrassing nickname (“Wee One”, “Squirt”, etc.)
  
  
• Manicure scissors work better than nail clippers on newborn fingernails.
  
  
• Be unashamedly affectionate toward your husband in front of your children.
  
  
• Auburn rules.
  
  
• Christmas music should be played from October through January, and the whole month of August, and random times in between.
  
  
• Pray without ceasing for your husband and your children.
  
  
• Never put your husband down in front of others. And even though you may disagree with him - and it is okay to voice that to him - in the end you support him. You are his biggest fan, ally, and confidant.
  
  
• If you don’t like your first name, you can change it and then refuse to answer to anything but the name you have chosen for that day. Rachel. Monique. Tessa. The list could go on indefinitely.
  
  
• Listen to people. Really listen to them. And give them feedback. Conversations are not one-sided. Encourage others every opportunity you get.
  
  
• Call when you get there. And when you’re halfway there. And at least two other times before you get there.

This is what my mom looks like (from Proverbs 31)…”The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life…She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue…Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: ‘Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.’ Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”

That’s what I want to look like, too.

Thanks, Mills, for showing me what a wife/mommy is supposed to look like.

Happy Mother’s Day.