The Things I Think I Will Remember

You said so many things, so clearly, and they didn’t get it. Things like, “The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and on the third day rise again.” Completely ambiguous and non-specific, right? But they just didn’t get it. Later they did. Later they remembered.

At first His disciples did not understand these things, but after Jesus was glorified they remembered what had been done to Him, and they realized that these very things had also been written about Him.

When it was all said and done, they remembered and it all came together and made perfect sense. But as obvious as the message seems to us on this side of the cross, to them it wasn’t clear at all. At least not at first. Not while they were in the middle of it.

Today I am in the middle of it. Today I can’t always remember the things that I think I will remember when today is over. Not when I am bandaging cuts that occurred after someone fell off the windowsill because obviously that is a very good spot to stand to watch the stump-grinder get rid of the remains of the tree in the front yard, or when I am answering questions like, “Mom, did I get all the ketchup out of my hair?” or “Mom, watch this! Are you looking? Are you looking now? Are you looking now???”

But one day, when the power struggles have faded to a memory and I am no longer finding piles of 8 towels used to dry off one small human being after a water-hose fight in the backyard, these are the things I think I will remember, and I think I will wonder why they seemed so hazy to me at all during this season called “today.”

You say, “Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself unless it remains in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me. I am the vine and you are the branches. The one who remains in Me, and I in him, will bear much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing.” And I hear You, but still I find myself running back to my own efforts and depending on my sub-par commitment to my Erin Condren designer calendar that looks pretty good through the first half of February, and then from mid-February to now looks kind of pitiful which is then reflected in my slightly overdramatic response to the mess in my house that obviously isn’t getting cleaned because I haven’t written it down in my calendar which was once so full of potential. Fail. Fail. Fail. And You are whispering over me, “Abide, abide, abide.” One day I think I will remember that and I will exhale and see with my own eyes that it really is the better way.

You say, “Beloved…be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” And I hear You, but still I reach my 2:00 PM slump and have a moment of panic wondering what in the world I am doing with my life. And I repeat things like, “Keep your chair on the floor” and “Think before you speak” and “Let’s try that again” and “Think before you speak” and “What do you think you need to do right now? That’s right, let’s go apologize” and “How about this, let’s just don’t speak at all right now.” And I wonder, is it even making a difference? And You are whispering over me, “It matters.” One day I think I will remember that and see that it really does.

I say, “What must I do to do the works of God?” Must I rise early and go for a prayer walk and study the Word before anyone stirs, and what if I fail? Or what if I don’t feel the way I think I’m supposed to when I do those things? Do I need to say yes to all the opportunities to do good, and if I don’t will I mess up my children forever? What are the works of God and am I doing them well or am I doing them at all? What if I fail? And You say, “The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent.” I hear You and I want to embrace it and find freedom in it and still I find myself searching for a more involved, likely more self-sufficient answer. I wonder, what else do I need to do to make this life work? And You are whispering over me, “Believe. Just believe.” One day I think I will remember that and I will see that it was all that really ever mattered, because “this is eternal life, that we know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You sent.”

I hear many things. Love covers a multitude of sins…Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart…In Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love. One day I think all these things will come together in a different way. But I am not living in One Day. I am living in Today. In the Middle, with messy little people and more dirty laundry than I understand. And as far as my mind and my heart can comprehend, I will hold onto these truths and live in them as deeply as I can, even now, even if I cannot see how they all will come together in the end. Because that’s what faith is – being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.