I’m so sorry, she says, with big eyes and a downward tilt of
her head.
I’ve heard that
already. Two other times today, sweetheart, for the same thing.
Mommy I’m so so sorry.
I forgive you. And I
am not angry. But I love you and I want you to know that this is not okay, so this
time I’m going to have discipline you.
And I hand down the sentence, what it will be and how long
it will last, and the change is instant and stunning. Remorse flees and in its
place, red hot anger.
Fine, she says, with flashing eyes and a proud cock of her
head. I won’t even eat supper for three days. And I’ll sleep outside.
It’s almost as bad as the time she was two years old and, so
angry that she could think of no other words, she looked at me square in the
face and shouted, “You’re a seventy-two!!!”
And I sigh deeply in my spirit, because I know how she feels
and I am coming to know the gravity of this thing called sin. And I wish it
didn’t have its claws in my six year old but it’s how we come into the world,
and there is only one way to deal with it and that way is not within ourselves.
But she is wrapped up in herself right now, and I know from experience that if
you are wrapped up in yourself, you will never see the Savior.
Why are you angry?
I ask.
I’m not angry, she replies, seething.
And more to myself than to her, I wonder again, Why are you angry? Is it because of the
consequences? Or is it because you know you messed up?
Because if she is fuming because she will be deprived of her
treat for three nights, then she doesn’t understand sin. But if her anger is
spilling out of shame because of her offense, then she doesn’t understand
grace.
And you can’t really have one without the other.
If you don’t know that you fall short of the glory
of God, then you won’t know that you need to be redeemed. And if you don’t know
that the wages of sin is death, then you won’t know that it’s impossible to be
your own redeemer. And if you don’t know that the free gift of God is eternal
life through Christ Jesus our Lord, then you won’t know where to find a redeemer.
And if you don’t know that He died for you while you were still a sinner, then
you won’t know that His love is unconditional and extravagant.
These are all the things I know, and all the things that
matter. They are all the things that I long to teach her, and they all are
swirling around in my head and my heart and she is sitting in front of me with fury
in her face and all I can do is cry out in my soul. Cry out in humility because
she is me before I knew. Cry out in gratitude because of the depth of Your love
and the sufficiency of the gospel. Cry out in surrender because I can’t do
anything to save my daughter from her deepest problem. And cry out in hope
because You can.
