When I Rise

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

When I sit in my house…

There are little mouths to feed. The kitchen that was spotless before I went to bed last night is now cluttered with pots and bowls and spoons, fruit peels and vegetable ends, and random baby dolls and dominoes. We sit at the table…or, let’s face it, more often the kitchen floor…and eat our breakfast or our first, second, or third morning snack, or lunch, always followed by “Mommy? Well, I’m still hungry, so…”

When I sit in my house, it is not for long. I check my email and then jump up to turn the light on in the bathroom for a potty emergency. I look up a recipe and then run into the living room to rescue a baby who has rolled over onto her stomach and forgotten how to get back to the starting position.

When I sit in my house, it is to build a mouse house out of treasure rocks. It is to make train tracks out of dominoes. It is to color with magical markers that only write on magical paper. It is to change dirty diapers. To fold laundry. To wipe up spills. And change more diapers.

When I sit in my house, it is to nurse my sweet baby. I sit on the couch and send my 2 year old to the book basket to pick out some books to read together while I feed her sister. 

Oh God, will they see You in me? Let Your truth be in my heart and on my tongue and on my mind, when I sit in my house.

When I walk by the way…

There are little hands to hold. And when did Claire get so big that I had to force that issue, anyway? Wasn’t it yesterday that she couldn’t even walk without clinging to my hand for balance and strength?

There is a huge stroller to push. I strap my girls in and run. I’m going to have man-size forearms by the time they outgrow the double jogger. Along the way we always point out every squirrel we see and make sure to speak to other walkers, joggers, bikers, and dogs.

When I walk by the way, the destination cannot be the goal or else I will live in frustration, because wherever we go there are countless stops to make. “Mom! A flower!” “Mom! An ant!” “Mom! Look at that rock!” The smallest pieces of creation come alive for my girl.

Will they see You in me? Let Your truth be in my heart and on my tongue and on my mind, when I walk by the way.

When I lie down…

I never know how the night will go. Will I be getting up multiple times this night? For feeding a hungry baby, for comfort after a nightmare, for a drink of water for a thirsty child? And if they sleep through the night, surely I won’t. I will wake up and wonder why I haven’t been called out of my bed yet. 

Will they see You in me? Let Your truth be in my heart and on my tongue and on my mind, when I lie down.

When I rise…

When I rise, there are libraries, parks, and fountains to visit. There are groceries to buy, bills to pay, deposits to make, packages to mail.

When I rise, there is breakfast to make. There are songs to sing and stories to read and little hearts to teach. There are tantrums to handle but there is also laughter to enjoy.  There are so many sweet moments to absorb and remember and treasure. There are so many hard moments to teach me grace and humility and dependence. 

When I rise, I wonder if I will make it to the shower today. I try my best to savor my hot cup of tea before any of the littles begin to stir. I think about all the things I want to accomplish and sometimes remember that only a few of those things really matter.

Sweet Lord, will they see You in me? Let Your truth be in my heart and on my tongue and on my mind, when I rise.

 

Safe in His Love

My baby girl laughed for the first time last night.

Music to my ears.

I probably scared her to death with my reaction – my ridiculous yell of delight, thunderous clapping of hands, and my earnest attempts to get her to repeat that sweet sound for the next half hour.

Yesterday in the grocery store my 2 year old tried to boop me. What??? You don’t know what that means??? Well, I don’t completely understand it either but it involves poking and then a cry of “I booped you!!!” followed by hysterical laughter. I had to make a rule that no booping is allowed in the grocery store. Yes, I can actually keep a stern face and say, “You know you are not supposed to boop mommy in the grocery store.” I had to deliver this firm instruction yesterday, to which Little replied, “I’m not trying to boop you, I’m just trying to hug you.”

Melt my heart.

So we walked around the produce section with Little in the cart and me hunched over so she could reach her arms around me. I would walk around all day like that if I could.

The thing that I’m realizing in parenthood, is that my children do not have to go to great lengths to delight my heart. They don’t have to earn my favor. I bask in the simple, spontaneous actions that show that they know me, and that they know that I love them.

Hebrews 11:6 states that “Without faith it is impossible to please God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”

Could it be that the same things in my children that delight my heart, also please my heavenly Father?

My baby laughs at me because she knows me and on some level, she feels safe in my love.

My daughter hugs me because she knows that I love her and that her affections are safe with me.

They know me. They know who I am. They trust in me. And their actions flow out of their beliefs.

My dear Father doesn’t require me to earn His favor. He is most pleased with me when I believe. When I believe that He exists…when I trust that He is good…when I know that He will meet me and satisfy me and welcome me when I seek Him…

And if I fill my mind and my heart with these truths of His presence and His character, then the things that I do will flow out of that and reflect it.

And when I laugh, it will be because I am safe in His love.

And when I worship Him, it will be because I am safe in His love

And when I make sacrifices in my roles as wife and mother, it will be because I am safe in His love

And when I reach out to others, it will be because I am safe in His love.

And when I fail, and sin, and make a mess of things, I will run to the cross because I know that I am safe in His love.

And He will be pleased, not because of what I do, but because I know that I am safe in His love.

One Thursday Afternoon and Evening

3:16 – My 2 year old is asleep on the couch after a meltdown that said, “I’m too tired to function. Please make me lie down and have some quiet time.” My 2 month old is in her bouncy seat, sucking on her hand and hyperventilating, which she does when she gets excited or tired. I’ve got chicken cooking on the stove to make chicken spaghetti tonight. The house is a mess. I’m uploading pictures from the camera onto the computer and thinking about prayer and faith and sleep and my husband’s injured knee. 

4:52 – I have been pushing Claire in the swing for a while, and now we are playing ball in the backyard. I kick the ball and we have to go after it in a different style every time…sprint, hop, gallop, walk backwards. Claire’s laughter is one of my favorite sounds in the world. AK is in the bjorn, sleeping against my chest. I am thinking about how tired I am and how blessed I am and how I need to get supper ready before too long.

5:14 – I am talking with my neighbor Leigh, who is walking her dog. While we chat, Claire is pretending like she is driving an ice cream truck and keeps asking me what I want from her. I don’t mind the interruptions at all and I order a strawberry ice cream cone from her. I am thinking about whether Leigh knows the Lord, whether Claire is going to fall out of the playground equipment that she has claimed as her ice cream truck, and how I want so badly to be genuine in conversations with people.

5:31 – We have to go inside because Claire is having a tantrum. It started so small – she pulled away from me while I was trying to tell her something – and now it has turned into me carrying my screaming 2 year old inside, while my 2 month old is crying in the front carrier, and my neighbor Leigh is watching from her porch. I am thinking about how I have no idea what I am doing as a mother and I am praying for wisdom to share God’s love and truth with Claire when I discipline her in just a minute.And I'm pretty sure I forgot to buy crushed tomatoes at the store so now I'm going to have get pretty creative with our chicken spaghetti.

9:52 – The house is quiet. Coach is upstairs reading; Claire is asleep in her bed; and AK is asleep on the couch. I am thinking about how the dishwasher doesn’t sound too healthy; how nice it was to have help cleaning the kitchen tonight (and how the spaghetti actually turned out quite well after all); how I earnestly hope that AK will sleep through the night tonight; how I am ready to try my new menu planning idea; how I desperately need to spend some quiet time in the Word; how I am excited to go running in the morning with a friend; how thankful I am that I actually have a friend after feeling so lonely for so long; how inquisitive Claire is getting about the Bible stories that we read to her at night; and how I should really go to bed and get every ounce of sleep that I can.

In all of these moments, You are working. You are teaching me and changing me and challenging me. You are growing me and breaking me and molding me. You do not leave me in these moments. You use them. You are not absent from or indifferent to these moments. You are very present. These moments are not “in the meantime.” They are not meant to be wished away. They are real life and You have a purpose in them. They are beautiful and I thank You for them.

Psalm 90:12 – “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Peace Like a River

Here is what my house sounded like on Sunday…

Littlest Little: “Aaaahhhh…” (Translation: 3 week old crying and passing gas)

Biggest Little: “Aaaahhhh…” (Translation: 2 year old tantrum)

Coach: “Aaaahhh…” (Translation: “What did we get ourselves into???”)

Me: “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh…..” (Translation: Sleep deprived and overwhelmed mommy tantrum)

This weekend did not feel like much of a weekend. I woke up Monday morning, exhausted at the thought that it would be 5 more days until my next opportunity to take a nap. This parenting 2 kids stuff is not for the faint of heart. My house is a wreck, and in perfect irony my landlord will be popping by for annual apartment inspections sometime this week. My 2 year old is reverting to pre-potty trained days, only this time instead of wetting her pants she is peeing on objects in our house. WHAT????!!! Is she marking her territory? I thought one of the perks of having a GIRL was avoiding the obsession to pee on things. My baby lost her umbilical stump a week and a half ago and I haven't found it yet. There is a partial umbilical cord floating around somewhere in my house. True story. My landlord will probably find it on her inspection and banish us forever. I haven’t slept in three weeks, I can’t remember if I took a shower in the last 3 days, and sometimes I think my husband would rather just stay at work than come home to, well, this.

Now please understand, I know that this is a stage. That this will pass. That one day I will look back and laugh.

Today is not that day.

Today is the day that I want peace. Peace in my house. Peace in my heart.

Problem: When I was having my mommy tantrum on Sunday, some things came out of my mouth that were pretty revealing. Jesus said that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, and well, He pretty much knows what He’s talking about. As I was in the middle my tearful and very self-centered rage to my poor husband, I cried out, “All I want is a peaceful home. I do everything I know to do, and I still don’t have it!”

I do everything I know to do…

Hmmm. As soon as those words left my mouth, God gently but firmly brought to my mind the sermon I had heard just hours before. The one taken from Numbers 6:26, the one that undeniably claims that THE LORD (repeated 3 times in those verses for emphasis) is the One who grants us peace.

I have been desperately trying to create peace, as if it is up to me at all. But it’s not. Get it through your head, Jana. It’s not up to you.

Here is the truth about peace:

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Maybe God is blessing me with chaos right now in order to teach me that I cannot create peace in my house; I cannot dictate my circumstances to provide peace for my family; and I cannot gird up my own strength enough to remain peaceful in my heart. When all of my best and worst efforts fall flat, what remains to be done?

Stop trying.

Instead, start trusting.

God gives peace. Trust in Him.

Abide in Him.

Love Him. Pursue Him. Seek Him. Because He Himself is our peace.

I can truly tell a difference on days when I let go of my circumstances and instead set my mind on things above…because while the mind set on the flesh is death, the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. The days when I stop trying to create peace and instead simply experience the peace that comes from being justified by faith.

Because even when my infant is crying and my toddler is urinating on my wallet, I am still a beloved child of God, and if in that moment I can set my mind on what is true and honorable and right and pure, then there is a peace that passes comprehension, that I can never conjure up on my own, that will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

“The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Averi Kate

The days of having you all to myself are coming to a close. Soon you will be here…maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few weeks. But very soon I will have to share you with the world.

I love having you safe in my womb. I know that there you will be as unaffected by the world and by outside dangers as possible. I love being the only person who always knows when you are awake and when you are asleep and when you have the hiccups. I love the thought of how God is forming every little part of you in a secret place, and when the time is right we will get to see what He has been working on for the past nine months.

I love wondering about you. What will you look like? Will you be sleepy or alert? Calm or feisty? Will you love to move and be active, or prefer to sit and contemplate? Will you be a good eater? Will you be cuddly or independent?

In so many ways I am ready to meet you, ready for you to make your appearance in the world. I am thrilled to watch my first baby become a big sister, and I can’t wait to see your Daddy’s face as he falls in love with you the first time he lays his eyes on you. I am ready to hold you in my arms and not just my tummy. I am ready to watch your face when I talk to you and sing to you and pray for you. I’m ready to make you smile. And yes, I’ll be honest, I am ready to shed the 20+ pounds that you have graced me with.

In other ways I am anxious. Once you are born I can’t protect you as well as I can right now. Will I be able to give you everything you need? Will I be a good mommy to two little girls? Will I make the right decisions for you?

In everything I am thankful. So incredibly humbled that God would make me your mommy. So incredibly blessed to have you in my life. I am thankful for God’s perfect timing. He formed you from conception, He knows your birthday, and He will release you to come out when the time is right.

If there is one thing I want you to know more than anything, my sweet second Little, it is that you will not be perfect, but the perfect One loves you more than you can know. You will fail, but the One who never fails has taken care of that for you. You will fall short of the glory of God, but the very Glory of God Himself already paid the price for your sins. If there is one thing I want you to do, Little, it is to trust in Him. Some trust in chariots and some on horses, but we will trust in the name of the Lord our God. If there is one thing that I want to define your life, it is that you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Then love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.

Your Creator is also your Savior. If you and your sweet sister can come to understand and believe and love that truth, nothing would make your mommy and daddy happier.

I love you and I can’t wait to meet you.

Split Queen

It’s not that I’m inflexible. Well, technically I am, although I was once crowned “split queen” in my 4^th grade gymnastics class because I successfully completed a split three ways. It’s true. My crown was made of sparkly gold pipe cleaners and I have three pictures to prove it. But those days are long gone. But that’s not the kind of flexibility I’m talking about, anyway. What I mean is, I can go with the flow (to some degree). I am getting better and better at having my days interrupted.

But.

This morning, when the Coach came running in, saying, “Something’s wrong with the car. I have to take the truck to work. I’m sorry…” and then ran back out the door and was gone with my only mode of transportation…well, I wasn’t feeling very flexible.

I had big plans for today. Little and I were going to go to the grocery store. We were possibly going to pick out a gift for Little to give to her baby sister who will be here sometime in the next 4 ½ weeks oh my word. But most importantly of all, we were going to go walking with some other moms and babies at the park.

I know, it sounds pitiful to get bent out of shape over such grand plans. But my heart wasn’t going with the flow. My heart was arguing with God.

I have been so excited about meeting these moms. I need friends. I am so lonely. Don’t You know I am LONELY???

That’s why, when the Coach called on his way to work, I was already in tears. “I guess God just doesn’t want me to have any friends,” I muttered to my poor husband.

Really, Jana? God doesn’t want you to have friends, so He broke your car. How mature of you.

So after breakfast, I told Little that we were going to have quiet time for just a few minutes. As she colored a masterpiece with a blue marker, I opened my Bible. I promise I was planning to read where I left off last time and not just flip around until I found something “relevant,” but when the book fell open the first thing my eyes landed on was Proverbs 16:1: “The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.”

See, my heart’s attitude was not reacting to the disruption of my plans for the day. No, it goes deeper than that. My heart had lots of plans that are falling through right now.

We moved to this town in October. That’s four months ago. And this is what my heart was planning when we moved…

Oh, I know God has friends for me there that I can connect with quickly…We will surely find a church home before the new year...Little will have tons of opportunities to have playdates and such…We will spend the weekends as a family doing active things like we always have (hiking, biking, etc.)…I will start teaching piano lessons and fitness classes right off the bat…It will feel like home because home is where you make it…

And here is “the answer of the tongue” from the Lord…

I officially have 2 people’s numbers in my cell phone that I have met since we moved. That’s it. And I don’t actually dial them, I just have them. Everyone has their own lives and their own friends and schedules and kids, and I’m not finding a place anywhere for myself…February starts in 2 days and we don’t yet have a church home…Little has yet to experience a playdate since we moved…The Coach has been sick or injured pretty much the whole time we have lived here. Maybe the 2 weekends that he felt ok, it rained…I have one piano student and the YMCA doesn’t need any fitness instructors…It doesn’t feel like home.

You want to know the truth? I worship my plans. I already knew this. Six years ago I found out what an idolater I am when my plans for seminary in New Orleans were washed away by Katrina. I fell apart. My house had been built on the sand instead of the rock, on my plans for God’s glory rather than His plans for His glory. And here I am again. Falling apart because my plans for my family and life and ministry are not the same as His.

I get so prideful, thinking that I know best. God will be glorified in me the most if A, B, and C happen. And when they don’t…well, I cry and say stupid things like, “I guess God doesn’t want me to have any friends.”

Get a grip, Jana. God will be glorified in you the most if you abide in Him. Take delight in Him. Obey Him. Love Him. Know Him. Seek Him. Trust Him.

See, the plans of my heart belong to me. But until I lay them on the altar of humility and say, “Here are my plans, Lord. Now what do You want to do?” then they are not only the plans of my heart, but also the idols of my heart.

So, it appears I am at a crossroads. Am I willing to let go of my plans and just sit at the feet of my Maker? Am I ready to be a student, a follower, a disciple, and not try to direct my own path? Am I going to listen and learn and “go with the flow”?

I am. I am not going to fight this and question why things are not going according to my plans. I am going to accept the answer of the Lord. I am going to be flexible. I am going to be a split queen.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.

My Little Theologian

“Where’d God go?”

This question, voiced from the mouth of my 2-year-old apparent theologian, stopped me in my tracks. Well, not literally, because at 7 ½ months pregnant I neither stop nor go very quickly. But really, it was not what I expected to hear from the chatty toddler sitting in the jogging stroller, munching on her carrots.

I know that kids say the darndest things and all that jazz, but I didn’t think the deep theological questions would start this early. But lately, a significant portion of my conversations with Little have centered around where God is and how she really wants to see Him.

And the thing is, in the middle of these conversations, I find myself immensely convicted. Because if there is one thing that Little can’t quit talking about, it is this…

“Mommy, where’s Jesus?”

“In heaven.”

“No, in the sky.”

“Ok, well, heaven is sort of in the sky.”

“Building a house?”

“Yes, He is building a house.”

“Jesus build a house for me! And mommy and daddy and me!”

That’s right, my 2-year-old can’t quit talking about eschatology. She is ecstatic that Jesus is “in the sky” right now building a house for her and that one day He is going to come and get her (and mommy and daddy) and take us to live with Him. We can’t even get through her 2 minute Bible story at night without her interrupting every time Jesus’ name is mentioned so that she can remind us that He is at that very moment building a house for us.

And that’s where the conviction lies – my toddler is thinking more biblically than I am. Every book in the New Testament is bound by a thread of hope and expectation in our future glory with Christ. Paul can’t quit saying “Maranatha”, or “Come, Lord Jesus!” John ended his Revelation with “Come quickly Lord!” The early church was filled with anticipation over what Jesus promised in John 14 – that “I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto Myself, so that where I am, there you may be also!” Maybe today, maybe tomorrow – will Jesus come tonight? Will we be in eternity with Him this time next week? In the house that He is building for us?

But I find that hopeful expectation lacking in my own life. Instead of having that eternal perspective, I get bogged down in the drudgery of everyday life, in the meager expectations that don’t even come close to matching what God has in store for those who love Him. How thankful I am that God is teaching me through my daughter to remember what is real and true and important and lasting. And how I pray that one day I can teach it back to her.

So bring it on, Little. Bring on the deep questions and insights and childlike faith that goes deeper than my grown-up faith. I’m ready to learn.